Satire Hut: INSPIRING! Fee hike can help these uni bosses renew their DATED wardrobe

Freddie Parker on 16 September 2022
Dated academic dress

10k+ tuition fee hike? A small price to pay for a modernised graduation ceremony.

Everyone’s thinking it, we’re saying it. Academic dress needs to be brought into the 21st century. Chancellors and Vice Chancellors walk onto the stages at graduation ceremonies looking fresh out of a private school prospectus from the 1800s. There are thousands of style movements they could take inspiration from.

Imagine your uni bosses gliding across the stage in a maxi dress, chest hair flowing in the summer breeze. Even just a styled updo can lift a look. Big hair can turn a mortarboard into a delightful fascinator, just pin it in and hairspray it down. 

The proposed tuition fee increase could help them get a lovely human hair wig too. A cute 60s minidress and coiffed lace front could do wonders for the atmosphere at graduation. 

One day the amount they receive could be enough for them to keep up with current trends. Their profession screams ‘TikTok e-girl’. Think how many piercings they could get with a couple of grand extra from each student.

Or if they go with the plan to make UK students pay the same as international students, there would be infinite choices at their fingertips. With that much money, I better see full opulence at that ceremony. Those heels are to be no shorter than 5 inches and a full set of nails is mandatory.

Never mind the amount of student loan debt going up. We want our chancellors to strut with the confidence of a Drag Queen in her hometown. If they can’t love themselves, how in the hell are they going to facilitate a life-changing education? 

If every student is paying £15k+, there would be room in the university budget to rhinestone everybody’s graduation caps. Real Swarovski crystals too. Some of the fancier universities that charge more than 20k to international students could even afford designer gowns. Vivienne Westwood would eat up the competition and create the most amazing Oxbridge graduation garments.

The AI Craiyon’s imagining of how chancellors could eat up the competition if they had more revenue. 

Economies may be crashing around the world, and we have to remember those in the most need: university bosses. Six-figure salaries just aren’t enough to be serving graduation eleganza. 

What do you think about the proposed tuition fee hike? Join our panel and let us know. You’ll get 1000 reward points for signing up.

Freddie Parker
Freddie Parker on 16 September 2022