“I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need, I just need a list of presents I can buy my dad for cheap!”
Bet you didn’t realise that these were the original lyrics Mariah Carey was meant to sing? Even the ultimate Christmas diva struggled with buying stuff for her old man but luckily we’ve got a few ideas to help you out!
1. Bike Balls
Want to get your Dad something scrotally awesome? Why not get him some Bike Balls! This low-hanging, free-swinging sack of safety will keep your Dad visible when cycling at night and help him get home in one piece, so you’ll be able to get him more genital-inspired gifts next year.
2. Ray Gun Nose Trimmer
Yer Da has nasal hairs long enough for Tarzan to swing on and quite frankly, if he doesn’t sort it out soon you’ll start to find birds nesting up in there. But wait, the Ray Gun nose trimmer can give him laser hair removal for just a fraction of the price.
3. The Ladybird Book of The Midlife Crisis
This book could actually be for either of your parents but as it’s usually far more obvious when men have a midlife crisis, give it to your Dad. Save the horror of seeing him squeezing himself into some questionable Lycra and just give him a book instead!
4. Make him a Lord
Allow his usual delusions of grandeur to go one step further with this gift. Make your old man a real-life Lord! He’ll never shut up about it and will probably end up bossing you around as if you were a servant… on second thoughts maybe sack it off!
5. How to swear around the world
Nevermind ‘hola’ and ‘ça va?’ it’s all about ‘me cago en la leche’ and ‘t’as pas de couilles’. What better way to integrate with the locals on your next summer holiday than to call them all stupid f***s?
6. Weird Things Humans Search For Game
Watch your Dad squirm as he sits and pretends he wasn’t the one who searched for ‘is ham evil?’.
7. Hot dog pillow
What does your mum mean the hot dog pillow doesn’t match with her floral Cath Kidston bed sheets? It’s a hot dog. It matches with everything. Right…?
8. Bubble wrap suit
Put the hammer down, dad, we all know its only a matter of time before your finger’s going to turn purple and your fingernail will fall off… Wait. A bubble wrap suit to save your dad from his own foolish actions! With this bubble wrap suit, you can throw your dad down the stairs and it won’t even break him (tried and tested with a 40% success rate).
I mean, we know it's not that you don't want to make the old man happy with a Christmas gift but money is precious when it comes to buying your 4th Jäger Bomb of the night... Anyway, what more could your dad want than a Ray Gun Nose Trimmer and a hot dog pillow? He’s in for a treat this year...
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